From: erickbil@ix.netcom.com(Willis E. Erickson) Subject: Breaking The Shyness Habits Date: 27 Oct 1996 16:51:00 GMT Message-ID: <5503tk$g2m@dfw-ixnews10.ix.netcom.com> Organization: Netcom
I recently took a course that was called, "What do you say after 'Hello'?" It sounds like some of you in here might be helped by what was taught. I realize that this is kind of long, but take a few minutes to read through this.
Conversation should be like a ball bouncing back and forth with no one holding on too long or passing it too quickly. Show interst in the person you are talking to. Conversation includes being a good listener. Ask open ended questions that give room for explaination. Closed ended questions that bring about one word answers are conversation killers. People like to talk about themselves and like to have others show interest.
We all have this. Remember, being rejected by someone that doesn't know you means nothing. It is merely a reflection of what the other person is feeling at the time or perceives is right for them. Maybe you remind them of someone else. It may be something else in their lives at the moment that has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally. I know, much easier said than done.
Make yourself approachable. Remember the letters in the word SOFTEN.
On the touching part: guys will want to avoid this early on because it implies aggression. That is not the first impression that you want to make. But for women, just a little tap on the shoulder or arm can be a good way to relax the person you are with.
Practice on non-threatening people. Kids are good, as are older people. It is a good way to learn change your habits a little at a time.
Here was one exercise that she gave us.
Draw a desk. On top of the desk, put a nameplate. On top of the nameplate is a house. Head down in the chimney is is a Dachshund dog. On the tail of the dog is a catcher's mitt. The mitt is holding the wing of a 747 airplane. On the wing of the plane is your family and on the other wing is a goal post.
Now you have this stupid drawing in front of you. The desk stands for work, either your's or their's. The nameplate stands for the person you are talking to. The house is where you live. The dog represents pets. The glove represents sports, the plane represents travel. The family is either your family or their's, and the goal post represents goals in life. I know that this sounds dumb, but it helps create a mental picture of where you can go with a conversation. Give it a shot. Remember to trust yourself. If you mean well, it will come across that way. Think about it. If you are really angry, no matter what you say, you will come across as angry. It works the other way as well.
I hope you can take something from this. Keep your heads up. You aren't alone.
A quotation from Eric Pepke
The purpose of small talk is not to communicate weighty information, and if you dismiss it because it doesn't contain weighty information, then you're missing the point. The purpose of small talk is to act as a conduit for social reassurance.
From: anon-10300@anon.twwells.com (JB) Subject: 10 Rules for Avoiding/Promoting Intimacy Date: 22 Oct 1996 20:25:10 -0400 Message-ID: <54jol6$lah@twwells.com> Organization: Anonymous Message Service at anon.twwells.com
Back when I was an undergrad, I took an elective called Marriage and Family Dynamics. Or should I say back when I was naive and thought marriage was something that just happened to anybody. Anyway, in the book we used for the class there was a list of 10 rules for avoiding intimacy. I can come up with my own list for that, but thought maybe doing the opposite would promote intimacy. Here's the list:
Maybe that is why guys think women go for jerks-because the jerks aren't always pleasant or agreeable like nice guys. People are often wanting to know what to say but according to this, it doesn't matter what you say as long as you say something. I've seen people make friends quickly and easily but when I listened to them, they sounded like idiots. People were suggesting getting to a man's heart through his stomach or going out to eat. Whenever I like someone, I lose my appetite. Is that just me, or what? Anyway, those are my random thoughts on intimacy (or the lack thereof).
-JB
From: James Gater <j.gater@zetnet.co.uk> Subject: Re: Are women attracted to shy guys? Date: Thu, 17 Oct 1996 18:01:52 +0100 Message-ID: <1996101718015272973@zetnet.co.uk>
In message <96291.020404KKL104@psuvm.psu.edu>
master chink aka the asian missle I don't quite follow. Flirting is a way of expressing sexual interest in
a non-serious way. It allows you to say that you fancy someone, without
commiting yourself body and soul to an irretrievable misjudgement - most
people don't like making a prat of themselves... If they flirt back with
you, then you know that they are at least semi-interested - though of
course, sometimes nothing comes of it. That's the problem I always found
with flirting; trying to work out the rules, and play by them...
The same can be said of small talk. Life can be deadly boring if you take
it 100% seriously all of the time. Small talk is there for a different
purpose to say, a conversation between nuclear physicists about quantum
theory. It's there purely as a means to an end - to spend time with other
people, feel something in common with them, and to relax by not having to
use your highest logic capabilities at full blast all the time. That's not
to say all talk has to mean nothing - quite the opposite. Take sport, for
example. I go down the gym regularly, and work out. When i'm doing that, I'm
stetching my body to it's limits, and that feels good. However, I also need
to sit down sometimes in front of the telly, or listen to music and let my
body rest.
If you really really LOATHE small talk, then you are basically different.
That is not wrong, no more than liking small talk is. It just means you're
going to get the most out of life if you hang with different people, who
also always like their conversation to have a 'mental' point to it.
I must admit though, I don't quite understand why you think flirting is
so disgusting. Do you think you could explain why you feel it is such a bad
thing? I'm intrigued.
TCM wrote:
Not really, this is something I thought of myself as I posted. But it
definitely has a background in psych. All behaviour can be explained in
terms of Rules (but rules are only one way that behaviour can be
generalized), but there's a lot of disagreement as to where the Rules come
from and why.
But, and this is the key, in terms of therapy or self-improvement, it
doesn't _matter_.
Yup. The times that I've noticed the most change in my life were the
times when I violated one of my Rules. It feels _weird_ inside when you do
it, you can almost feel your brain re-evaluating everything... I would
recommend it to all of you. Figure out what your rules are, and
break them! All of them! The strong ones are hard to break, so
start with the small ones and build...
Hello everyone,
This message was posted here before but it didn't stay up on my
newsserver very long so I decided to repost it for those who missed it the
first time. It has some very helpful info regarding conversations. I did
not write these suggestions and these were written with college students in
mind. However, most of the info is applicable to general situations.
Have you ever wondered how can you instigate "interest" or "liking"?
Here is what social researchers have to say about the general strategies
used. Check which oones you have been using/why do you think you're
boring.
As for me, I ususaly use the Elicitation of other's disclosure and
listening as way of raising the interest level of other people. Let's hear
it about you?
> i agree flirting is the most despicable violation of .......
--
'Ah drat dear, I'm just grave.'
e-mail: j.gater@zetnet.co.uk
www: http://www.brunel.ac.uk/~ee95jjg
From: Marc Meunier <meunier@ionline.net>
Subject: Re: WHY are we shy?
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 1996 07:40:58 GMT
Message-ID: <3277068A.B7D@ionline.net>
Organization: University of Waterloo
> > What happens is that shy people develop Rules, and then _never_ break
> > them. Examples:
> >
> > - don't talk to strangers, especially the opposite sex.
> > - NEVER flirt with the OS, or never express emotion period.
> > - never, _never_, NEVER show your sexual interest in the OS.
> > - never place yourself in situations where you could be evaluated.
> > - always think about what your doing, and always act intelligently.
>
> Whoa, that hit the nail (split the nail?).
> Is this a textbook style evaluation of shyness? If so, maybe I
> underestimated those things :)
Evolutionists -> instincts and inherited traits
Behaviourists -> conditioning
Psychoanalysts -> unconscious conflict
Cognitivists -> mental processes and beliefs
> This (for me) is a completely different perspective of the problem, and
> even better, it's one that presents possible _solutions_.
From: rsoriano@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu (Derick S.)
Subject: Conversation Techniques (Repost)
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 18:51:07 -0500
Message-ID: <rsoriano-1611971851070001@ts8-11.homenet.ohio-state.edu>
Organization: Ohio $tate University
-Derick
Opportunities for Initiating Conversations
Techniques for Initiating Conversations
Techniques for Sustaining Conversations
Derick S.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/7982/
"Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
From: anon-16817@anon.twwells.com (JerryO)
Subject: Are you boring?
Date: 23 Nov 1997 02:30:05 -0500
Message-ID: <658m1t$l0$1@twwells.com>
Organization: Anonymous Message Service at anon.twwells.com
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